Greetings all, and I wish you all a shameful Valentine's Day. I've decided to capitalize on a crazy notion that people have. Namely, the one that has them all thinking that finding a "significant other" is at all some kind of important part of life. While icing on the cake for some, and a terrible vacuous strain on others, it is still absolutely unnecessary.

     However, new studies conducted up here in the Carpal Tunnel Fun Drome show that this epidemic may stem from an ongoing theory that you are all merely half-people and that in order for a half-person to fully compensate for the lack of brain power to bear the burden that is life, the half-person may have to find a companion known as the "significant other," or, "soul mate." Unfortunately, even after such a union, many of you continue to choose to drag each other down. Silly monkeys. Start thinking with your brains.

     Of course, that is only the going theory based on observations made through the FunDrome's interocitor.


Last year I gave you Valentine's Day cards. This year I bring you a dating service. Or at least a parody of one.

Valentimes!!!

Let's start our  6  4 step program!

1.) Do you enjoy watching reality television?

2.) Do you watch MTV?

3.) Do you think today's television shows aimed at children are anything other than fecal matter?

4.) Do you think the vast majority of music these days is remotely listen-able?

5.) Do you not care for the band, Tool?

6.) When I say the phrase, "good time," do you think, "Yay! Time to get drunk and/or high, chill with friends/random people in a bar/club, and listen/dance to some phat beats!"

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, congratulations! You qualify as a simpleton!
Proceed with the next step (And stay far, far away from me. I still love you. But from a distance. From a far, far away distance).

Silly arrow. You know you're supposed to be pointing down!

STEP 2

Take all those things that bother you about yourself, write them down on a piece of paper, read it to yourself aloud every night (so you can cry in the privacy of your own bed), and try to add at least one more thing to the list every day.

STEP 3

Steps 5 and 6 were never there. What are you talking about? You must be crazy, too. You should probably add that to your list.

STEP 4

This is pretty much how those commercials go, right?

Congrabulations! You still haven't contributed anything to mankind!

But at least you're happy for a few months ... you know, before you see how things are together when life isn't all sunshine and butterflies, and you find out that your "soul mate" is actually kind of insane.

Happy Valentine's Day!

With love,

      Impar