RITCHIE VALENTIMES!

Ah, it's about that time of the year again. Or at least it was when this was written. You know. February. Valentine's Day and all. The airwaves become saturated with commercials for jewelery, chocolates, romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant, heart-shaped things, and other things that must equal love since that's what the television says. All for that special day on the fourteenth, because heaven forbid should people be capable of telling their significant other that they care on a day that doesn't come along with business sponsorship for consumption love. (No, those leftover fries you let her have a few weeks ago doesn't count as a meaningful symbol of your love for her)
So, it all goes down like:

"Honey? Zales says I should love you now. Accept this monetary deposit in precious finger-hugging metals so that you may stay with me for another year. And if television has taught me anything it's that selling yourself to the US Army rewards you and our fine nation with far more government supported glory and Godsmack music than becoming a teacher I am a worthless human being devoid of purpose unless I have partial ownership over another person's soul and put them through years of psychological strain."

Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it goes. I'm not sure how Godsmack and joining the army got into the mix. Anyway, Valentine's Day. The day we remember as children receiving candy and cards from people that you spent the rest of the year hating. Okay, hating is a bit strong, maybe just generally disliking or not really caring for will do.

Where was I? ... oh yeah! Sidetracking!

Right-o! Valentine's! Cards! Oh, those horrible cards ... You know the ones. You'd try to maintain some shred of dignity and find ones that had your childhood heroes on them like Sonic the Hedgehog, Streetfighter characters, Ninja Turtles, or Metallica, but it just wouldn't matter. They were always horrible no matter where they came from or who they were branded by. And on top of that, you'd actually end up losing even more dignity in the end. Here are some real-life totally not made up examples from Metallica:

"So, Valentine's Day is a horribly fake and disingenuous day of the year for all and it must be stopped. I'm not saying that because of your incredibly slanted and paranoid views on the day created to combat the fact that you'll be miserable and alone for the rest of your life, but because anything that resulted in those two cards up there being made must be destroyed. Other than that, what's your point, Impar?"

My point? My point is just to vent some ridiculous Valentine ideas that only one man can fix this day for us. Only one man can put all our seams back together and makes things right with his poetic words of wisdom on all things LAAAAHWVE. So, what manner of man is this that can summon a LAAAAAHWVE ATTACK without flint or tinder?
He has put his wisdom into the universal language of music so that we may benefit from this golden god's amazing mind. With his musical debut, we may all be saved.

This miracle of a man is none other than ....

And so, with all the grace of a hippo strolling through a patch of cacti in a field carpeted in loose rubik's cubes, Fabio gives us all a desperately needed lesson in LAAAAHWVE.

"Oh great, a link to more stuff to read. Gee, thanks."

You're welcome. Actually, don't worry about reading all that if you still read at the speed of sloth and haven't passed the fourth grade. Just listen to the sample tracks they have on the page and pay attention to those brilliant lyrics. And Fabio's hauntingly resistible voice. You won't be disappointed and you'll come out a much better and romantic person.

And let me also add that Fabio's fiction masterpiece, Wild, (yes, a romance book that Fabio actually wrote. The guy even had the audacity to be on the cover) has been given a grand rating of 2 out of 5 stars AND IT ONLY COSTS 1 PENNY.

SWEET MERCIFUL GOD ALMIGHTY UNDER A LAUNDROMAT WHAT A DEAL!

Seriously. Go to Amazon's book section and see for yourself.

Impar, I hates the way you throws words at me like that. Why can't you just be cool like you usually are and show us some purdy pictures?

Fine! No problem! On with the show.

Here are some Valentine's Day cards that I made way back in 1659 in my sophomore year in high school.

There are too many "in's" in that sentence.

Quiet, you.

*ahem* ... little bit got cut off in the scanning process ...

Invader Zim is the best cartoon show ever made.

So there you have it! Happy Valentine's and feel free to surprise your loved ones with a Leprosy or Metallica themed card. I'm sure they'd really appreciate it. These are the perfect way to break up with that certain someone.