Every student can learn!

Maddox (not Angelina Jolie's son) has a famous article on his site where he grades several select works of "art" by random school children. And he is not kind (but it's absolutely hilarious. And needless to say, it is awesome). However, I've decided to do something similar. I'm going to harshly grade things too, but not helpless children (because I'm not that much of a man). Instead, I'm going to grade the work of my high school's website. I mean, it's only fair is it not? After years of enduring their harsh judgements, "You forgot to put put the period number! There's no way I could possibly remember which period you have my class! You expect me to actually look up your name in this software that makes said process two button presses away!? UNACCEPTABLE. THIS INVALIDATES YOUR ENTIRE WORK AND EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE IN THIS CLASS. I DON'T CARE IF YOU DID DO AN EXCEPTIONAL JOB. I DON'T SEE A PERIOD/ DATE/ NAME WRITTEN AND PLACED IN THE ARBITRARY FONT, SIZE, AND LOCATION I HAVE DECIDED! YOU HAVE SHAMED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY'S LEGACY."

"You've been showing signs of independent thought, lately. Stop that."

"Say, your work happens to be right on par with the greatest men and women of our time! I think I'm looking at a future Nobel Prize winner! It clearly shows you've been going above and beyond our expectations in your assignments, paying complete attention in class, and most importantly - learning it all! And more! ...
Oh, I'm so sorry! It appears you didn't turn in your "watch paint dry for five hours" assignment. I'm sorry. You get an F, you get a report sent home telling your parents to be ashamed of you and that you do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING in this class, you get sent to the "slow" class with Robby, the misshapen child with four elbows - He talks to paper cups! - and with LOAF, the unlovable oaf who still can't read words with more than four letters so he picks on smaller kids who can! AND on top of all that, -LOAF, PUT THAT DESK DOWN!- we're sentencing you to a life away from REAL colleges and any kind of job. - LOAF, PAY ATTENTION - Maybe you can lift rocks at Rock Lifting and Sons down the street, but I - LOAF, YOU GOT EVERY ANSWER WRONG ON THE TEST. - don't know. They have some standards, and I mean, LOOK, you didn't turn in 'Watch paint dry assignment number 5.' Loaf did. And you know what? He passed the class. Sure, he writes like a rock and reads like a sausage, everything he did - LOAF, STOP COMING TO SCHOOL STONED OUT OF YOUR MIND - was done without any care or attention to detail .. or attention to anything really, but you know what? He did it. All of it. You LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR."

"Quick! Loaf! Give me your in depth analysis of Shakespeare."
"Shake-speer wuz totally gay."
"Hmm ... crude, but acceptable. Loaf, you win!"

PENT UP RAGE VENTING .... NOW.

Oh, and just to clarify, "Loaf" in this situation isn't a student with "special needs" like "Robby," just someone immensely dumb.

Let's start with the school's main page. Ooh, they have a belief system right on there. This ought to be good.

What's with the period being several spaces away from "High School?" This is already off to a rocky start. But I can overlook that for now. No big deal ... beliefs, eh? Well, we better be getting into something profound in a moment here. We are, after all, talking about the future of our children, and ultimately, the future of our nation. They better have something truly prolific to say.

WOW. TRULY some prolific words. Read this and try not to cry at it's overwhelming wisdom: EVERY STUDENT CAN LEARN! WOW, I never would have imagined! Are you serious? Surely not EVERY student! I mean, what about Redwood, everyone's favorite wooden stump child. I don't think I've seen anything come from him ... ever. (those weird bugs and the fungus don't count)

How did they do it? How did they get hold of the president of MENSA to write this for them? Teachers should maximize the learning process?! WOW again. That's a brilliant strategy. It's like my strategy for success: I'm going to do a really good job, and I should get a lot of money. That's right. And I'm going to write a book about my strategy so everyone can learn and benefit from it. Yeah, it's going to be called, "Be cool and win." I'M A GENIUS.

TEACHER/SCHOOL ROLE IN ...

"Teachers/schools make a difference in the student success." - priceless. A fine example of grade A engrish if I ever did see one. I'm not sure what they're trying to get at with this ... Wouldn't it be an especially hard task to try to not have any effect on a student's success? I mean, a gust of wind on a sunny day might even have some sort of small impact on someone's success.

What in the sam-hill are these people talking about? Who do they think they're talking to? Robots? Aliens who have no understanding of our human ways? "What is this teaching thing you speak of?" This is all just ... UGH!

Now, you may be thinking, "Gosh, maybe they're still working out everything. Maybe you should give them a chance, man! Everybody makes mistakes." Here's the thing; this atrocity has been on their front page for at least half a year. Probably much longer, it's just that I didn't have the place of mind to visit my old High School's web page until I was trying to look for the specific day that school started (for my younger brother, of course).

Seriously. Try reading this without letting your head explode into a million sprayed chunks of technicolor dream-sauce. It's impossible! Reading this will destroy every happy memory you have ever stored in your brain and replace it with Carrot Top acts.

We have long since reached the digital age. Everyone's pet and grandma now have a Myspace page. Everything is being made accessible from computers. It's easier and more convenient. None of this "getting up and moving around to get things" business. You just click a button and *BAM* you are the president of the Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo Fan Fiction Appreciation Website. Surely, this fine school would keep up with the world. They expected us to! We had to do "Current Events" at least once a weak! And all this stuff is easy if you look it up in your spare time. Also, they apparently have plenty of money to burn as the school board has already spent plenty of money on fancy new chairs for their NEW board room (they're really nice! I've seen them!), putting money into "School Spirit" rallies, new uniforms for THA SPORTZ TEAMS -I had to pay for art supplies in my art class!- and starting new construction all over the school (new tennis court, new P.E. Locker Rooms, and hangin' out area YYYYEEEAAAAH! They already had tennis courts, a fully functional and not in any way run-down locker room, and a quite serviceable "hang out" Quad area with trees, grass, and everything - BUT WHO CARES!? As long as everybody thinks they had a good time with fresh new things, who cares if the kids are actually having a worthwhile education?). Boy, this school just shines with quality like the radioactive landfill where WalMart puts all its "undesirable chemical waste."

Each teacher has an individual page to keep up. They're supposed to be there to keep both parents and students informed - assignments, upcoming tests/units, etc. Let's take a look, shall we!

Hmm ... a huge percentage of these have absolutely nothing on them. Way to reach above and beyond, AGHS teachers! Great Job!

FINALLY! Someone who cares about keeping up their work! And it's the page of a teacher I actually liked. She was always a bit eccentric, had wonderful shiny things to say, tried to make the assignments interesting from time to time, and actually encouraged my writing and drawing! She was one of the few teachers who actually took me aside and said, "Hey kid, you actually have a voice! Don't let it die. You need to get something published!"

Thank you very much, Mrs. .... HEY WAIT A MINUTE. What's this? ... 2004!?

F

Let's check in on the P.E. section, shall we? We're sure to find some gems there.

That's just fifty different flavors of special right there. Remember: P.E. Teachers probably had to go through some kind of education to get where they are today, too. Or did they? I'm not so sure anymore... That's alright. I can probably excuse this error that's been there since the dawn of time. They were probably too busy completing the monumentally daunting task of watching kids run around and play ball while wearing silly little shorts and a neon visor (the teacher gets to wear the visor. Kids are stuck with silly shorts).

You know how many years that added to their education - just to learn how to do that? Well, it's a lot and they really deserve your respect for it. And don't get me started on all the time spent on just sitting in an office while the kids dress out in the locker rooms. Sheesh. That's your tax dollars at work, folks!

Hahaha! These teachers will never get their act toge- SWEET IRONIC FLAPJACKS OF SPECULATIVE ASSUMPTIONS! This guy actually has an updated page. And it's updated regularly by the looks of it! Unfortunately, it's just a P.E. Teacher but, man, this guy's doing his job! He has downloadable assignments and everything! Great job! Seriously this time. I'm even willing to look past the cheesefest that is, "You have made it to my electronic classroom." Yes, I'm that desperate at this point. He's even got a sweet picture of himself greeting you (that I drew over, of course)! What's more is that when you click on it, it actually gives you a bigger version unlike the rest of the pictures all over the school's site that have the "click to enlarge" function. The other ones just open a new window with the picture at the exact same size or they just don't do anything at all.

Let's have a look at the assignment page. I'm curious. It's P.E. Why isn't there anything other than, "humiliate yourself in front of all the fit kids with better metabolism. Everyday. Undress in front of them. Everyday. Pretend to work yourself for 40 minutes. Everyday."

"Welcome you have made it to my cyber file drawer. Please click on my files to open my file drawer and see what is inside."

OH. MAN. Disregarding the use of the word "cyber," (which up until now, I thought was only used in movies and by news reporters who have no idea what this "the internette" thing is but hears its popular with the kids. And yes, I put "the" right after "this" on purpose) the above phrase falls somewhere between desperate and really creepy to me for some reason.

F+

Alright, that's enough for now. This could go on forever (and maybe it will). Thank you AGHS teachers for the material. And if any of my teachers ever somehow find their way onto my Cyber Art Gallery, please know that while my "humor" may be a bit mean spirited, I do have the utmost respect for a lot of you and what you do. I know your job isn't easy, and your position doesn't get the pay it deserves. Now get off your collective rear ends and take note that you absolutely have a direct impact on our future. Please take a lot of care into what you do.

More tales of High School Trauma to come!

fell free!
... more like
FAIL free.

.. I'm sorry

:'(

The vast majority of these pages look exactly like this and have been like this for the longest time.