Rastanfarian

"Joel, I hate movies where the men wear shorter skirts than the women." - Crow T. Robot
"Boy, don't you know it. I can just imagine a common scene from the days of ancient Greece: Oh, hi, Hercules! Have a seat! ... NOOOOOO!" - Tom Servo

Yes my boy, come and sit your young, supple vessel of life near my aura and quiver before the undulations of my beating, chiseled slab of a chest.

Why am I sitting atop a pile of bricks and backed by a large monolithic waffle?

And just when I was thinking that Rastan couldn't get any more offensive power! You're really setting a new precedent for offensiveness, Rastan. What can you do to raise the bar and be even more offensive at this point?

Yeah, that's right. You better believe Rastan starts every level dropping from the sky. Don't question it! You know it makes sense! Just because your puny brain doesn't contain the capacity to fully comprehend the sheer magnitude that is the way Rastan rolls isn't a reason to start asking for things to be explained to you like the freeloading burden of a minuscule-brain-bearing child you are.

Boo-hoo. Deal with it.

Uh-oh. Boss time. Honestly, I don't understand how these boss battles work. Sometimes I hit them a hundred times and die, and sometimes I hit them a few times and *poof* I win. And on top of that, it's really hard not to get hit by this guy's spear while I'm about a foot or two away trying to hack away at his knees. Maybe there's some kind of pattern and I'm just not seeing it, but for now I'm going to attribute it to the game being designed to eat parent's hard-earned quarters.

Wait a minute ... Rastan is just some confused buff dude running around in his tighty-whiteys! Like the crazy guy who hangs out behind the Walmart downtown! But that guy is fat and covered in a thick sheen of what may very well be his own waste.

Watch out! Don't fall in the water! Just because he's willing to resort to murder and thievery to survive doesn't mean that he'll be having any of that swimming business. That's crossing the line and really asking too much of our pants-less hero.

In another equally stupid but not relevant side note, sometimes the enemies (really, do we know whether they're actually enemies or not? Or is Rastan just a big jerk?) drop poisonous potions when you kill them. Rastan is so stupid that whenever you bring him in to close proximity, he will not hesitate to raise that beaker of poison to his lips and gulp it down. Maybe that's just how manly Rastan is. He doesn't even care what goes in his mouth. He simply must consume regardless of how close it brings him to death.

And then you have to fight some other pants-less jerk with wings. The problem is that he can hurt you just by touching you (or you touching him) whether or not anyone swings their weapon. That and he jumps around all over the place. If you're nearby, he will hit your head, if you are far away enough for him not to hit you ... you can't hit him. So you sort of have to guess when to hit and when to back off .. at least from what I've discerned so far ... It's like playing a game of rock-paper-scissors only you have to win 19 out of 20 times.

This is the part that I gave up on. I can't get any further than this. I couldn't find any sort of pattern or trick to beating this boss. I went on YouTube to see how it was done ... the player simply walked up to the boss, swung their axe four times, and the boss died. Now, when I first got to this boss, I, too, had the axe and must have hit him way more than four times. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I do know that I probably won't be playing this game again any time soon, though.