The following are two "business letter" assignments that I had to do my senior year at high school. It was for a fantastically essential and integral part of preparing for the real world. The class was designed to crush our spirits and really let us know that our dreams were silly and should be ignored if we ever want to get anywhere in life. We performed vitally important tasks like learning workplace etiquette, how to indent a paragraph, how to use Microsoft Word (rarely), random word memorization, how to sit in a darkly lit room at a desk with nothing to do and pretend that you were hard at work, and how to NOT reach over and tear the face off of your peer while he talks about how "totally crazy an' *expletive* the party at Chad's house was," and how last night's episode of "Viva la Bam," was totally "off the chain." Really, your tax dollars are hard at work, America! And your future is brighter than the sun.
Oh, right! The letters! Here's the "promotion" letter we were made to write! Yes, I turned this in.
Mr. Jim M. Cramacake
Family Pants Care and Associates
55 ULTRA St. #1
Superland, CA 11111
Dear Mr. Cramacake:
I would like to take this oppurtunity to formally congratulate you on your promotion from "Common Cold" to "leprosy."
Ever since you started working here, I had always figured you to be the "leprosy" kind of person. "Common Cold" and "Disco Fever" were always beneath you. Come to think of it. I was a young leper myself when you started here. Oh, the flood of memories overwhelm me. The crumbling skin, falling flesh, and gelatinous face-structure are among my most joyful of memories. Do you remember when my eye fell into Frank's open wound on his birthday? It was a complete accident! It was hilarious then, but a grisly scene later. Poor Frank ...
Here's to many future memories to share and congratulations on your years of hard work. Good luck to you, Mr. Cramacake.
Sincerely,
Jim Scatch
Grand Master of the Pants
AND NOW, for another one. This time, they were trying to teach us how to write a reply to a suggestion. Whee!
To: Jkowalski@genericcompany.com
From: Lcaliente@genericcompany.com
Subject: Re: Walls of Meat
We here at Generic Company want all our employees to feel welcome to make suggestions or requests to better our working environment. We have received your request to cover the company building's interior walls entirely in raw meat. In fact, we have received all TWENTY of your requests in the past for this same request. Unfortunately, your request must be declined once again and we must ask you to kindly refrain from making this request again in the future as meat-walls conflict with certain health codes and standards.
Remember that Generic Company still welcomes any future requests from you as long as it does not involve covering our interior walls with any kind of meat. Thank you for thinking about improving our company.
El oh el at "lcaliente" ... did you see what I did there? HA HA HA. HA. HHHHH. HA.
This one actually got a response from the student-teacher we had. I got a "ha!" written at the bottom. Yay! Semblance of humanity! That's a rarity at high school!