SSBB Secret Characters CONFIRMED

Confirmed secret characters from the American release of

     With Super Smash Brothers Brawl (or SSBB) already released in Japan, there has been a flood of leaked characters posted all over the internet for the less fortunate ones everywhere else outside of Nintendo land to look over with all the voraciousness of a cow trapped in a John Tess concert. ... yeah, I don't have any idea what that means either. Regardless, there are a lot of people excited about this game's pending release in the United States (myself definitely included).

     For those of you who don't know, this is all just filler material to make this look like a valid article and to make myself feel like I'm actually putting some thought to this but all this writing is actually quite boring to read SSBB is a fighting game using a bunch of Nintendo characters (and even some outside of Nintendo like Solid Snake from the Metal Gear Series, and even *gasp* Sonic the Hedgehog - that's right. Sonic AND Mario in the same game. AND you can make them beat each other up or work as a team! I never would have dreamed that possible back in the days of the SEGA Genesis and the Super Nintendo). On top of that, the game plays like a dream.

      So, what's this page all about then? Many people haven't noticed yet that the American release of SSBB will have very different unlockable characters. And none of these have been put up on the internet.

                                                         UNTIL NOW

     That's right. Thanks to the clever detective work of yours truly and a handful of gnomes (and that vision I got from Jesus helped, too) I've put together a comprehensive list of all the characters in the newest Smash Bros. game, SSBB. Some may totally surprise you.

But first, one little thing. What's up with Fox's head? Who thought this looked like a good improvement over the last one? Fox's new spooky bulbous head gives me the willies.

You know what? For some reason it actually reminds me of the Invader Zim episode where Zim and Dib turn into BALONEY.

Maybe that's just me ... hey, that's not how you spell bologna.

Right-o! On with the show!

Behold, the totally real, and not in any way made up in mspaint secret characters in the American release of SSBB.

Seems Microsoft made a deal with Satan again. That's right, you heard it here first. Master Chief of HALO fame can now duke it out with everyone's favorite mustachioed plumber.

Totally not faked screenshot of Master Chief's part in the Subspace Emissary thingamadeal.

That's right. Duke. Freaking. Nukem. Confirmed. Much to the dismay of Mario (but much to the delight of ladies everywhere).

The "Sit on You" Guy

See, what this guy does is he sits on you. I think Tim and Eric must have made a deal with the devil as well.

Great job!

Bertha! Where are the keys to mah car!

This one is really tricky to get. You have to play 100 consecutive matches online with the Ice Climbers and not groan, grunt, or complain more than once.

Bill Hicks fans rejoice! Our prayers have been answered and Mr. Hicks has been resurrected thanks to all our offerings of souls, flesh, bones, stolen organs, live children, and tortillas to Beelzebub. Unfortunately the catch is that he kinda has to stay trapped in Brawl forever enduring onslaught after onslaught of small brightly colored people and animals - not much different from his experience in the real world. This is all probably for the best, though. Letting him know that we (allegedly) voted for Bush Jr. TWICE (allegedly) and let him completely rape the world probably wouldn't go very well with Bill.

Bill Hicks himself just stands there doing a routine for several minutes while Goatboy runs around doing only God knows what around the stage.

That's all for now, but I'm still making my way through the game. I'll try to update this with movesets and/or new characters as I discover them.